HOMOSEXUALS ARE POINTLESS!
"You homosexuals are pointless!" those were the words I heard from a former friend, condemning me for being gay: A man who loves men. A man who fantasizes about other men. He condemned me for indulging in taboo practices, for having a dick inside my ass, or having one inside my mouth. He condemned me like as if I don't deserve a space here on earth. Stomp on me till I was nothing but a withered patch of grass in the middle of spring. He made me question my relationship with God, he almost made me feel like I was a devil in plain sight, a devil who got out from his fiery cage. He read my covers and then he judged; he didn't even took the time to play with my pages, relive the fights I have fought, listen to what I have to say about life, love, and family–all he ever cared about was the words he spoke. "YOU HOMOSEXUALS ARE POINTLESS!"
For the past 16 years, I have been living in a shelter because I was afraid of being open to the world, I was denied of the basic right of any life and that is to be happy. I was living in a small abysmal hole; A single whisper of a word can put out my bonfire and will then send me to countless of nights in a black hole. I braved my self, I grew my spine until it became double in size and yet, "You homosexuals are pointless!" that was what he said that lessened the opacity of my hard-earned stripes. That was all it takes for me to question my reality. And he made it seemed like it was a part of a skit—made to cause laughter. I have been in many heated arguments with my parents and sisters but never did they ever made me feel less of a human being because of being gay. They were the ones who cared for me when I was young, laid out to me a secure future, and they were the ones who got severely hurt when I confessed about my sexuality–and at that moment, all their hard works was put to waste for nothing; they had all the rights of the world to lash about my preferences, about my lifestyle, about my dignity as a person capable of reasonable thinking, and about what is right and wrong—but they did not. And yet, a person–given the fact that he is barely a close friend who does not know a single ounce of who I am, my battle, and demons; a person who doesn't pay my school fees, and raise me like his child—had the audacity to point a finger at my existence and told me I shouldn't have existed at all; that was an insult to me and an insult to my parents. You don't know me, you don't know the paths we've trodden, and yet you sentenced my whole life with a point of your finger coated with the poison of oblivion. That night, while I walked to ride a motorcycle, I strained all my capabilities to not cry in public, chanted to myself: "You are strong! You are not what he said you are! You're more than this!" but the moment I came inside my room, all hell broke loose. I doubted the love my parents gave me, my friends', and I doubted my existence; begging God to put some sense into his words, begging God to turn this all in a nightmare, that I will wake up unwounded. I blamed myself for the unhappiness of my father, I blamed myself for being such a burden to my mother, and I blamed myself for being not manly enough for my sisters. I hit rockbottom that night, I tried to swim through my tears, but they came rushing in like tsunamis of discouraging words: "You homosexuals are pointless!"
"You are a sinner!" called out a sinner. "You do things that are unacceptable!" added the sinner. I thought he was God while we were exchanging harsh words because he judged me according to my sins; and I swear at that moment I thought I was denied of eternal life. It seems like at that point of our argument he became a Christian supremacist, and me, as a spawn of the devil because I am a homosexual, all I ever wanted to say was a reference from the Bible, particularly in John's section:
“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."
-John 8:7
I told him, Who are you to condemn me? Are you clean, don't you have sins? and he replied, "OO, MAKASASALA KO PERO IKAW BAYOT MAN KA, DI JUD NA PWEDE!"–roughly translated to English: "Yes I have sins but since you are gay, you are unforgivable." He uttered those words surely like as if it did not made sense to my senseless existence.
"He that is without a sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."
That is what was written in the Bible, and he preaches so much about God but does he practice his ways? Our God: the most forgiving, loving, merciful, omnipotent being, declared to not point out the sins of others because you are also a mere sinner–but he did... What a hypocritical Catholic!
Why is it that homosexuals who live their lives as peacefully as possible, who commit the same mundane and common sins as the heterosexuals–except we suck dick for dinner, and yet our sins are aggrandized because we don't fit the image and likeness of our loving and merciful God. You ostracize us like as if we were the lepers depicted in every story of the Bible, like we are the apocalypse; yet you live your lives peacefully, breathe the same air, go to the same church with the people involved in unthinkable heinous crimes. Recently in Cebu, it was reported that an adult male raped a four month old baby and was left alone crying for death to consume her, and luckily, she survived that encounter; and did that involved a homosexual in the scene? No! It was done by the image and likeness of God: a heterosexual male. A pedophile Australian is on trial in the Philippines for countless of sexual crimes committed to underage girls, the youngest is an 18-month old baby, and killed an 11 year old juvenile; and again, did that involve homosexuals in the scene? Are we the ones who abort the future of an unborn child? Are we the ones who raped and chopped our girlfriends' body? The statistics don't lie, heterosexual males are involved in most of the crimes compared to homosexual males; and yet we don't generalize you for the act of one of your "kinds"–the image-and-likeness-of-God kinds–but you chose not to live with us because we're less of a human being. I don't disagree with you that our sexual practices can yield sexually transmitted diseases, such as the dreaded AIDS, but homosexuals are not the only source, chances are, even your heterosexual colleague have it, and even the monkeys you see in zoos.
Why is it that homosexuals who live their lives as peacefully as possible, who commit the same mundane and common sins as the heterosexuals–except we suck dick for dinner, and yet our sins are aggrandized because we don't fit the image and likeness of our loving and merciful God. You ostracize us like as if we were the lepers depicted in every story of the Bible, like we are the apocalypse; yet you live your lives peacefully, breathe the same air, go to the same church with the people involved in unthinkable heinous crimes. Recently in Cebu, it was reported that an adult male raped a four month old baby and was left alone crying for death to consume her, and luckily, she survived that encounter; and did that involved a homosexual in the scene? No! It was done by the image and likeness of God: a heterosexual male. A pedophile Australian is on trial in the Philippines for countless of sexual crimes committed to underage girls, the youngest is an 18-month old baby, and killed an 11 year old juvenile; and again, did that involve homosexuals in the scene? Are we the ones who abort the future of an unborn child? Are we the ones who raped and chopped our girlfriends' body? The statistics don't lie, heterosexual males are involved in most of the crimes compared to homosexual males; and yet we don't generalize you for the act of one of your "kinds"–the image-and-likeness-of-God kinds–but you chose not to live with us because we're less of a human being. I don't disagree with you that our sexual practices can yield sexually transmitted diseases, such as the dreaded AIDS, but homosexuals are not the only source, chances are, even your heterosexual colleague have it, and even the monkeys you see in zoos.
At the end of our argument, he told me that it was all a joke and that he has a gay best friend, and these were my unspoken words which I regret I haven't said to him: Your best friend is different, you may joke about it to him but not to me. Every person has a story to tell and yet I didn't judge you because of the things you do and the things I know of you because I don't have proofs–and in return, you don't have proofs of the claims you threw at me, you launch those words because why? You have a gay best friend and that that is what he does? You heard me talk about sexual topics? And Can you show a video of me riding someone's dick to sunset? Can you show a picture of my swollen anus post-coital? You stereotyped me from your best friend, you projected his traits to me, when in fact, by all means, the only thing the same about us is that we enjoyed giving fellatio to men. Okay let me say it out there that I didn't emerge without inflicting harm out of that argument, I insulted you because you were older than us and that you are not attractive because you don't have money and that sugar daddies are only attractive when they have money–you know, I know, they know, that by all means, that was all a joke; I know I'm not the only one entitled to feel hurt because you are also human and I know at that point I have reached the peak of your tolerance, but I am easy to talk to and tell me so that I went the extra mile. With all my heart, I sincerely apologize for belting at you "sugar daddy" jokes. I'm sorry for emphasizing your age despite you not liking it.
What you did, you've done a catastrophic damage to my self-esteem; no one, not even you, deserve to be called pointless. You don't know how many mountains a person has to climb in order to arrive on their current disposition; yet you called out that my sacrifices, my blood and sweat, my mother's pain while delivering me, all of them–POINTLESS! While teasing you, I never made you feel less than what you are, I never pointed out how you are useless to the society–wait, did you say I was pointless because I haven't achieve success of being an engineer compared to your achievement as a registered nurse? I got so much respect for nurses, but now, I got none for you! Just because you are this, you are that, doesn't make you a saint or powerful. On the other hand, the people inside that car knew that you went overboard with your "jokes", their conscience tell so and even yours, yet you feed on your pride; I was almost the one apologizing for the words I've said when the only words I uttered were: "Who are you to condemn me bitch?" "Who are you to judge bitch?" "Are you God?" and you, you used almost all the adjectives with bad connotations to describe me. You've caused a big blow to my ties with God, with myself, and with the rest of the world; time may mend our predicament, but our broken friendship knows no time, no space, no love to heal itself. Are you happy now that you've made me feel literally worthless? Is that what you want: To see a person deteriorate in your own eyes? I just wanted to be happy without the guilt but you made me feel guilty for being alive. I know I'm just being oversensitive and that I should just get over myself but I can't let this moment pass me by like as if it was nothing. I don't want to go on living accepting your faulty ways because you are "normal" and that I am not; that the stigmas attached to the LGBTQ community should be accepted because it is our only way to conform with the norms; that we are nothing but a ridicule to the world, and we were made to be laughing-stocks instead of future mechanical engineers, doctors, or philanthropists. I might be someone you knew as the one who labeled you as a "sugar daddy", but I will always know you as the "You homosexuals are pointless!" person; I will always wear that brand you labeled me because it is a pleasing reminder to you, and a poison to me. Call me homo, call me a sinner, call me a big-ass-hoe, call me Satan's child, call me useless, call me pointless because at the end of the day: you only know my name, not my story.
What you did, you've done a catastrophic damage to my self-esteem; no one, not even you, deserve to be called pointless. You don't know how many mountains a person has to climb in order to arrive on their current disposition; yet you called out that my sacrifices, my blood and sweat, my mother's pain while delivering me, all of them–POINTLESS! While teasing you, I never made you feel less than what you are, I never pointed out how you are useless to the society–wait, did you say I was pointless because I haven't achieve success of being an engineer compared to your achievement as a registered nurse? I got so much respect for nurses, but now, I got none for you! Just because you are this, you are that, doesn't make you a saint or powerful. On the other hand, the people inside that car knew that you went overboard with your "jokes", their conscience tell so and even yours, yet you feed on your pride; I was almost the one apologizing for the words I've said when the only words I uttered were: "Who are you to condemn me bitch?" "Who are you to judge bitch?" "Are you God?" and you, you used almost all the adjectives with bad connotations to describe me. You've caused a big blow to my ties with God, with myself, and with the rest of the world; time may mend our predicament, but our broken friendship knows no time, no space, no love to heal itself. Are you happy now that you've made me feel literally worthless? Is that what you want: To see a person deteriorate in your own eyes? I just wanted to be happy without the guilt but you made me feel guilty for being alive. I know I'm just being oversensitive and that I should just get over myself but I can't let this moment pass me by like as if it was nothing. I don't want to go on living accepting your faulty ways because you are "normal" and that I am not; that the stigmas attached to the LGBTQ community should be accepted because it is our only way to conform with the norms; that we are nothing but a ridicule to the world, and we were made to be laughing-stocks instead of future mechanical engineers, doctors, or philanthropists. I might be someone you knew as the one who labeled you as a "sugar daddy", but I will always know you as the "You homosexuals are pointless!" person; I will always wear that brand you labeled me because it is a pleasing reminder to you, and a poison to me. Call me homo, call me a sinner, call me a big-ass-hoe, call me Satan's child, call me useless, call me pointless because at the end of the day: you only know my name, not my story.
***
I don't want to share this story to gain your sympathy, my dear readers–and I know that may seem rude–because I want your awareness; that not all people are the same. Don't compare other people's experiences to another because you don't fill the same shoes they have to fill. We are not the same. You are you. I am me. It's better to keep your mouth shut than to let people grimace at your foul smell. Ironic how we're called human when we are so inhumane. And I want the comment section of this post to be filled with all the possible words you can use to insult a filthy-ass homosexual, all the bad adjectives you can use to insult me. I won't budge because it is what it is. Slap it hard across my face that I am nothing but a sinner; that I was asking for it.
Hello darkness my old friend!
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